Last Thoughts From a Prison Cell (12) --A Place of Abundance

It's been a minute since I've attended to my blog. I apologize--life has been full since my last post. Dealing with some medical issues (nothing life-threatening, but borderline every disease that often comes mid-life), I've had a wake-up call to pay greater attention to my lifestyle and make some permanent changes.

Actively participating in the ladies' ministries in my church, working on lessons in the Psalms for the ladies' Bible study there, and enjoying community life with the family of God, while trying to keep up with the ordinary day-to-day, something had to give. While it's been a time of great blessing and refreshment, some things have been neglected and/or gently set aside for a season. This blog.

While we are on a holiday break from studies at the church, I wanted to blog a bit and update my readers on my goals for 2023. My desire is to finish with one last post on my prison trial, followed by finishing up the Habakkuk study. Then, I want to begin an extended series on different chapters int he Psalms since I have so much material prepared for them already. That is my heart's desire, so we'll see how the Lord leads.

The journey to Alderson continues...

The night before I left for Oklahoma, I got my period. My periods were so sporadic, and they were getting heavier with each one. Because of this, I was content to wait another week to travel. I gave it to the Lord, and I told Him I trusted Him to do what is best for me.

My name was called at 6:00 a.m. the next morning...so this was His plan. Another plane trip on "Con-Air," as the inmates affectionately called it. Handcuffed and shackled on this tin can, there were six women inmates; the rest were men. One woman I had met the night before had freaked me out a little bit. She was an anti-'Jesus', native American, bi-sexual, and talked about shamans and witch doctors...a lot. She seemed way too interested in me. At first, I thought, "At least she didn't come with me." Later, I would come to call this woman my friend.

When we landed, I was not sure where we were, but someone said we were in Atlanta. My name was the only name called from the plane. I was so deflated and discouraged. Sitting all alone in my holding cell for hours with the heaviest period of my life, they wheeled a phone in for me to use and told me I had one "free" collect call. Gee, thanks. I called my 73-year-old father and told him I thought I was in Atlanta and didn't know when I would be able to call him again because I didn't know whether I would be staying or moving. 

After the call, they strip searched me, put me in orange, and put me back in the holding cell. Another girl was put in with me who couldn't stop crying. Being very emotionally drained myself, we really couldn't help one another at all. We were then ushered off to medical, information given for the umteenth time, and our vitals taken. When they finally brought the other girl and I to our new pod, I was beyond overwhelmed. My first impression of the pod was awful. Although there were maybe only 24 girls there (and there was barely any lockdown), it was small, dismal, dirty, and cliquish. There were a number of girls there who were heading for Alderson,  who apparently noting the haggard look of despair on my face, told me I wouldn't be there for more than two weeks. The problem was two weeks sounded like an eternity.

Assigned to a cell, I encountered a very heavy-set woman laying on the bottom bunk only in her underclothing who was very sick. Garbage everywhere, wet soiled towels in the sink, her cell was a mess and smelled even worse. With no place to put my few belongings, I hiked them up on the extremely high bunk with me. I just wanted to sleep and make this day come to an end as quickly as possible. Between moaning, groaning, pleading loudly to be taken to medical, throwing up, and losing her bowels for hours, I was honestly wondering how I was going to make it through the night. I did fall asleep sitting up (so as not to get blood everywhere), begging the Lord to help me and sobbing as I drifted off. At some point the CO's came and took my bunky to medical. When they brought her back soon after, one older guard kept walking by our cell door telling me to lie down. I kept sitting up periodically not only because of my heavy flow, but my hips hurt so badly from the uncomfortable bedding. At 4:00 a.m., the guards came and told me to pack all my stuff and to bring my mattress because they were moving me to another pod across the hall to a lower bunk. When I got there, they handed me cleaning supplies telling me to clean the toilet and the sink. After I handed the cleaning supplies back to the guards, I made my bed and went to sleep...still sitting up...but on the lower bunk.

Breakfast was at 5:00 a.m.; all doors opened and all lights on. Not only was I now in a cell by myself, but on the wall I was able to see, 'Jesus is Lord!' written in big white letters. Was I dreaming? I knew the Lord had specifically answered my prayers from the night before. There was also a cross painted over the front of only my cell door. Sometimes, a brick doesn't always have to fall on my head! But He knows when I need a good brick or two!

The girls were very nice on this pod, but I chose to stay in my cell most of Tuesday because of my period. I prayed and slept. Two or three girls were very kind and included me in their group. We went to the library Tuesday, and I read that evening and Wednesday off and on. Again, Wednesday night I went to bed but couldn't fall asleep until well after 12:30 because we had coffee for dinner. 

Once again, I was praying, singing, and thanking the Lord for this private room, the girls, the quiet time, and felt very content to stay here for as long as He allowed. I told Him, again, I would trust Him for my time.

At 3:00 a.m. I was awakened and ordered to pack my stuff. I was leaving. Could this finally be the trip to Alderson? I would later learn that this was diesel therapy that only the 'special' people get to experience. In fact, most all federal inmates get to self-surrender directly to their designated camp, My judge, however, didn't believe in self-reporting. Was I special, or what?

As I went out into the hall and turned the corner, I ran into the girls from the other pod who couldn't figure out where I had gone including Bobbi, who had been my roommate for half a night. She didn't look much better at this point than she had that night I was in her cell. Jodi, my 'friend' from Oklahoma, ran up to me giving me a big hug like we were long lost friends. At one point she came up to me and made a very lewd gesture asking if I would like to be her girlfriend. A young girl named Holly (who would become my 'daughter' for a time in Alderson) told her to 'knock it off' because I was married. Jodi put her face next to mine and  responded, "Well, I don't care if you don't care." I assured her I certainly did care and told her we could be FRIENDS but not the kind she was thinking of!  We did become friends. Jodi was tough (had ties with the Hell's Angels and had a really rough life), but she saw it as her job to protect me for a time after we got to Alderson. Alrighty, then!

We were all placed, once again, in the bullpen for the tedious strip search and to wait for hours in a very small room with a toilet and 9 girls. Bobbi lay on the floor with a tray of 18 pills in front of her...I counted. Once again, I got comments from the girls; I can't believe you are 51...how in the world did you end up here--what's a sweet, quiet girl like you doing in jail? I never felt so old and frumpy in my life. Far worse was the fact that my reactions in my heart to my fellow inmates was revealing a depth of depravity in me I didn't know was there. How in the world was I to love my neighbor(s) as myself in this situation? These were not my neighbors in uptown suburbia...those from Mr. Roger's neighborhood. This was more like someone who had been ripped from Mr. Roger's neighborhood and thrown into the heart of the 'hood'!

In too tight shackles around our ankles and handcuffed to a waist chain, we took a small bus ride to the airport, went through the long task of boarding the plane one inmate at a time (100-200) and finally arrived in West Virginia. From there, several of us got off, got searched again, boarded vans, waited for the plane to take off from this abandoned airstrip in the middle of nowhere, and drove to Alderson (also in the middle of nowhere). Several of the girls crammed into this transport van had to sit on one-another's laps because there weren't enough seats. 

One of the young guards in the front seat had her feet up on the dashboard and was talking on the phone to a family member complaining and cursing loudly like it was the end of the world because the family dog had gotten loose and ran off. They had retrieved the dog, but she was livid. "Life" was going on for those on the "outside", at least, but I wondered who was really in prison and who was not?

Alderson has a beautiful setting. In fact, it's stunning. Nobody would ever guess the prison sits there like a crowned jewel nestled in the surrounding mountains. There are old buildings and mature, but magnificent, landscaping all adding to its charm. I didn't know upon arrival that it is the inmates that keep it so pristine-looking. What a facade! What smoke and mirrors! No matter where you walk on the compound, you are surrounded by towering mountains that are gorgeous and majestic. No one could take away anything from what God created. There are walking paths winding through the trees...necessary for the significant amounts of time spent walking each day to get from building to building. I looked at those mountains daily as His gift to me, personally. Yes, I was special because I was a daughter of the King of kings and Lord of lords! I could look at His mountains every day and say to Him, "I will raise my eyes to the mountains. From where will my help come? My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth, You will not allow my feet to slip; You Who watches over me will not slumber. You are my protector; You will protect me from all evil and will keep my soul. You will guard my going out and my coming in from this time and forever."

Arriving at Alderson, we first spent several hours getting processed. We got strip searched---again--were given new clothes very similar to what we had arrived in. They finally took my tennis shoes from home and would not allow me to keep them saying I would have to purchase new ones from the commissary. (They 'generously' allow new inmates a $300 or $350 limit the first week they are there which would entail a call home to ask for money to be placed on one's books just to get some necessities. Tennis shoes are a necessity for those who don't want to walk in a flat slipper-type 'tennis shoe' or steel-toed boots 24/7. I wore holes in brand new tennis shoes three times while there...all at between $50-100 a pop.)  'Processing" included getting fingerprinted and told the monetary obligations which had been ordered by our judges. Another call home for $300. We were seen by medical for a brief interview, had our DNA taken, photos taken, given (another) TB test and a pink meat bag lunch (the ones that have a sustainable shelf life of forever). Starving by this time, I tried to eat a little bit. It had been over 24 hours without food or water for me. 

After this, we were brought up Hallelujah Hill. It's so steep, if you make it up you can say, 'Hallelujah!' (I toppled down it the first week and gashed and brush-burned from my knee to my ankle and was given a warning not to do it again...or else I would get a shot--not the needle kind.). We finally settled in to our temporary unit for the next two weeks during A & O. I can't remember what that stands for...something orientation... but it is 'learning the ropes'. I was assigned to the 'bus stop'. Jodi stayed in the 'fish bowl'. The 'bus stop', located in each range at the front of the unit was a form of punishment. They failed to mention that at the time. There were ten bunk beds (20 beds) lined up five to a row two deep in the open space between two bathrooms that had no doors. (I also found out later this was a safety hazard and was something the prison could have got written up for.) The lights overhead stayed on 24/7, so if you had a top bunk, you had lights in your eyes all night long. The bus stops were noisy, where everyone congregated, and the natural path to the t.v. room, the microwave room, the bathrooms, the phones, and the doors to the outside. I got very little sleep each time I was put on the bus stop. Each time you would be moved from unit to unit or you got some sort of infraction against you, you would do 'time' on the 'bus stop'. Doing time while doing time...hmm.

At dinner, I heard someone call my name. It was the woman who had worked for years with my husband. I was never so happy to see a familiar face in my life. We had never really known each other at all on the 'outside', but it was just so good to see someone from home who knew my family. It's funny...for some odd reason now...six years after being released, it seems as though I see women on a regular basis, no matter where I live, who look familiar but whom I can't seem to place...then I think it can only be from prison (which is unrealistic). 

I called me Dad that night. Everyone had been worried about me because I had not called since Atlanta the first day. I did not have access to a phone. I told him that there were a lot of rules at Alderson, but also an absurd amount of freedom to come and go. Apparently, at that point in my prison journey, I had already conformed the way I was supposed to...well on my way to being institutionalized. I shared the fact that I had met a lot of nice women. (God was transforming my heart to love these women, answering that heart cry quickly.) My middle son told me that our attorney promised that we would have transcripts of our trial the following week. (My son had to spend hundreds of dollars to get them to send them.) I believe they came a year or so later. Without them, we couldn't begin to prepare our case for ineffective assistance of counsel which was apparent to anyone who would take the time to understand what happened at our trial. With all the corruption in our government clearly evident today, I somehow feel vindicated with each 'truthful' news report. The American people really need to wake up and realize that it can happen to any of us.

Even though I was glad to finally be at Alderson, it was a hard night. I was tired, getting a cold, and sleep was difficult. With no air conditioning in the range (only large fans at the front of the range), I was thankful for the loud noise of the fans as it made my snoring less noticeable among the 20 other women with which I was basically sharing sleep space. This would be my new  'normal', my 'family', my 'home' for the next three and a half years. 

I'm working on Psalm 66 to lead Bible Study in our church to approximately 60 precious sisters in Christ in January. I am humbled and constantly amazed at how the Lord has exalted me...an ex-convict...in His time and His way. Not exalted in a way that the world might understand what it means to exalt someone. His 'exalting' comes after making someone understand what walking in humility is first. His 'exalting' comes after one learns to submit to His loving hand in any difficult trial He entrusts them with for their good and His glory. His 'exalting' allows me to now serve Him in a way that also ministers to and thrills my own heart and soul blowing me away every day as He continues to mold and shape me into the image of His dear Son. 

He brought me into the net, yet He has brought me out to a place of abundance. I have more 'family', dear brothers and sisters in Christ, than I have ever known together in all my life. The church is my sweet haven and great joy in this life. To be able to serve alongside like-minded believers is something I hope I never take for granted because it has been the answer to a deep longing in my soul for as long as I can remember.

Looking back on my trials as the psalmist does in Psalm 66, I can affirm these truths with a loud shout of praise to the Lord:

You brought me into the net (prison in some translations), YET You brought me out into a place of abundance. This net was a place where I had been taken captive; my freedom and choices were gone. He had laid an oppressive burden upon my loins yet I found that He is my strength and my joy! The trials He has ordained for me are more reasons why I will praise Him! God's divinely-ordained purposes in my life have been redemptive. God ordained prison for me--not my judge, my prosecutor, nor the devil...and it was for my good and His glory! Now, that's a hill of a reason to shout HALLELUJAH!

Do you want to talk about oppressive burdens? My burden seemed oppressive at the time, but the oppressive burden was laid upon Christ at the cross. Jesus' suffering on the cross showed the devastating nature of sin, the wrath of God, the cruelty of humanity, and the hatred of Satan. At the cross, Jesus triumphed over Satan, sin, and death. God had the ultimate purpose for Christ's suffering. I don't ever need to question His purpose in my suffering. His strength is now mine.

My faith, more precious than all the gold in the world, proves my faith. But even more important...it will result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 

Looking back, staggering under the weight of my 'prison' trial, now that I am on the other side (having been brought to a place of abundance where my cup overflows) I can see God's hand everywhere. My trust has grown, He has vindicated Himself, and my trust in Him while in the trial is vindicated...not because He delivered me from the difficulty but because He sustained me in it and brought me out in His time. The benefits and blessings gained far surpass anything that was taken from me. No proper value can be placed on spiritual benefits gained through trials. Can my accusers say that? Time will tell. I pray that I can call them all my brothers and sisters one day...I sure prayed for them and their salvation often.

Psalm 66:16-20-- Come and hear, all who fear God, and I will tell of what He has done for my soul. I cried to Him with my mouth, and He was extolled with my tongue. If I regard wickedness in my heart, the Lord will not hear. Oh, but He has heard. He gave heed to my prayer. Blessed be God, Who has not turned away my prayer nor His lovingkindness from me.