Thoughts From a Prison Cell (3)--Putting Broken Hearts in His Hands

 5/3/2012--One week. How many more? My second roommate is moving out. I'm thinking of Greg and the boys constantly. Are they thinking about me? Are they wondering about what I'm thinking about today? Missy would be 28 years old in 8 days. Today is the anniversary of her death. How many days go by now that I forget to think about her? How could I? It's overcast and gloomy today--exactly how my heart feels.

While my roommate and I were sitting right outside our cell having breakfast, someone came in our cell and took my roommate's radio. From now on, I guess I'll have to watch the room like a hawk. I can't believe this place.

You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. (Psalm 32:7)

One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that You, O God, are strong, and that You, O Lord, are loving. (Psalm 62:11-12)

I never realized until now how desperate I am for the Word of Life to sustain me each day. I NEED a Bible!!!

One week completed. Today, was probably my best day yet. Learning about how to have a ministry of mercy.

My heart is broken. From my perspective, that is painful and debilitating. From God's perspective, my will is broken, and I am right where He wants me to be with no plans, no agendas, no telling Him what I am going to do and then asking Him to bless it. I'm waiting for Him to lead me, to guide me; and my eyes are wide open for His direction.

Me in prison. A great picture of who I really am before the great Almighty God. Once in bondage to sin, still incarcerated in a body of flesh. It is good that He should crush me so that I am able to see what is necessary. These two things are vital to my understanding--Who is God? Who am I? I am nothing apart from Christ Jesus. God sent Jesus to die for someone who is less than nothing.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

The Light of God's power cannot shine through vessels of clay until they are broken:

        I once had a small ceramic lantern figurine that a cleaning lady accidentally knocked to the floor and broke. Shattering in many pieces, my husband tried to glue it back together for me. I was touched, and I put it on my desk as a reminder of his love for me. A perfectionist at heart, however, he called the company that had made it and explained what had happened. They sent him a new one. When he came into my room to replace the old one on my desk, I shouted, "No! I want to keep that." He said, "Why?" I told him it was because it reminded me of two things: His love for me, and that the light shines the brightest through the cracks of a broken and contrite heart."

I used to say, "Lord, use me," believing I had something to offer. Now, I am saying, "Lord, I give You all of me. I have nothing left in me to hold onto. I am Yours to do as You will." When the heart breaks, the fight is over. Usually, when I have something that breaks, it is worthless. As such, I discard it or throw it away. When God breaks our hearts, it is only then it becomes useful for His purposes.

The Christian death is identifying with Jesus Christ in His death, burial, and resurrection. It's a walk to death, being resurrected by His power and might, revived by His Spirit to then be used for His purposes. All God's true children must attend classes in His School of Death. We must allow our hopes, dreams, and goals in this life to die. If we choose to hold on to them, He will see that they are crushed...for our good, and His glory. Why? So that we are then able to be raised to newness of life to walk in holiness, reflecting the love of Jesus to a world that is lost and perishing.

Joseph had dreams and visions of becoming a great leader. Those dreams died on the vine when he was thrown, by his own brothers, into the pit. We can only imagine the questions that were going through his mind as he cried out to God."Why?" "I don't understand." "I thought...". In a pit, then imprisoned. Broken, he finally realized the dream that God had, indeed, given to him. But, it certainly wasn't realized in the way he had seen it coming to pass. The cross before the crown. Always.

A.W. Tozer--"It is hardly possible for God to use a man greatly until he has been hurt deeply."

In trials and deep pain, we can become bitter or better. If the 'I' is predominant in the suffering, we will always become bitter. If (H)'e' is predominant in the suffering, we will always become better.

9:30 p.m.--I've been locked down in my room by myself since 8:00. There is so much noise outside my cell door. The T.V. is blaring. Funny! (The sound is muted when the girls are out on the pod floor.) The women are screaming obscenities all around me. People are banging on pipes and toilets from all floors. In my heart--peace and rest. Under the shadow of His wings I nestle close to my Shepherd's heart where I am safe and content, only focused on listening to the beat of His heart. I am broken-hearted and sad, but somehow, I have peace and contentment. 

I was thinking about how people who are in a helpless state cleave to the encouragement of a friend or an advocate. Before sentencing, I was grieved to the very depths of my soul for my sons. Who would be there for the three of them? Who would help them? I needed to trust the Lord for them, and I would have to. At that time, the Lord sent His servants to comfort us, encourage us, and just be available to us. Since I got here, I have met several women who were in that raw, vulnerable state who just needed to know someone cares.

There is one woman who doesn't know how she is going to get her only child back once she is able to get out. He has special needs, and she is distraught not knowing where he is or who is taking care of him. For the most part, I am just there for her, to listen, encourage, and empathize with her. I have been able to share how Christ has helped me. She seeks me out often.

Typically shy socially, I have lost all inhibition in prison. When someone new walks in the door, I go up to them, introduce myself and tell them it will be okay. One woman, in particular, is just going through withdrawal. She won't be here long, but she is in a bad way. It was obvious the moment she walked in the door. I introduced myself to her, and told her it would be okay asking her if there was anything I could do for her. We aren't allowed to touch each other, but I snuck in a quick hug. She said, "Coffee." I have coffee--a treasure--from commissary, so I got her a cup. (Before I left, she walked up to me, and with tears in her eyes, said, "I will never forget you. When I walked through those doors, it was like God put an angel in front of me." I told her I was NOT an angel, just someone who loves the Lord Jesus Christ.) Ministries of mercy. Loving my neighbor. In love for God, meeting a need I am able to meet. Mercy moves to relieve the suffering and misery of another. I don't know anything about going through withdrawal. But, I can sense another's pain and anguish. AND I HAVE COFFEE!